Some Things I Didn’t Know How to Do as a Leader (and Why They Mattered)

Some Things I Didn’t Know How to Do

There’s a very straightforward definition of leadership that I love, by Bruce D Schneider, founder of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching:

"Leadership is your ability to influence yourself or someone else to do something."

I’ve always found that to be both simple and profound.

It doesn’t tell you what good or bad leadership looks like—that’s a different post.

But it gets to the heart of what leadership is really about: influence in action.

And when I look back on the early stages of my leadership career, I can see now that my ability to influence was, at times, less effective than it needed to be.

Not because of my professional discipline competence or intent—but because there were simply things I didn’t yet know how to do.

And for me, if I don’t know how to do something that I class as important, I won’t wing it. I’ll pause. I’ll study. I’ll wait until I can do it properly.

Others might jump in. I don’t.

Let me give you a few examples

I didn’t know how to handle conflict in the moment—especially when it played out live in a room.

When someone’s tone turned aggressive or disruptive, I didn’t yet have the tools—or the internal clarity—to know how to step in, ground the group, and steer it forward.

So I often stayed silent, or responded after the fact.

I also didn’t know how to hold people to account in a way that felt clean and constructive.

I was worried about sounding bossy, sharp, or heavy-handed.

I didn’t yet know how to structure those conversations without second-guessing my tone or impact—so, more often than not, I delayed them.

Context matters.

I’ve always had a strong presence—especially in areas where I was confident in my technical expertise.

I wasn’t afraid to speak up, challenge, or offer a perspective.

But where I see the difference now is in the behavioural aspects of leadership.

That’s where I sometimes avoided saying the thing.

That’s where I held back when something needed to be surfaced.

Not because I didn’t care—but because I wasn’t sure how to do it well.

On the rare occasion I did attempt to tackle challenging styles, I realise now that I either met the conversation where it was at—meaning I was also confrontational—or I responded in a passive, overly tempered way.

How did I learn? I watched. I studied. I rehearsed.

When I didn’t know how to do something, I sought out those who could.I’d observe them. I’d research “how to’s.” I’d reflect. Practise privately before trying it publicly.

And I realise now—this is still true of me today:

I’m unlikely to step into something unless I believe I can do it competently.

That’s not a flaw—but it can be a limiter.

Because sometimes, by waiting, I delayed my own growth.

What made a pivotal difference—after years of learning on my own—was when I started working with a coach.

The process of being challenged, supported, and truly seen by someone whose only agenda was my growth unlocked a different level of awareness and movement.

It gave me the space to build those behavioural muscles in a conscious, supported way.

And it makes me wonder:

What would have shifted sooner if someone had said:

“These are the behavioural muscles you’re going to need—let’s build them now”?

Reflection Prompt

If there’s something you’re avoiding—not because of fear, but because of unfamiliarity—ask yourself:

What’s the impact of delaying this conversation, action, or decision?

And who could help you practise safely before it really counts?

We don’t talk enough about the things we didn’t know how to do.

But those moments often hold the biggest opportunities to grow into the leader we’re capable of being.